I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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