she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
