why do cheetos always look like penises
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
