I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
