From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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