Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
