i permit you to call me
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
FUCK WHALES
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
