omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Randomize
