I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
