Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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