please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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