he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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