Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
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