I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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