I could make wine with my vomit
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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