theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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