By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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