my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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