It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
