someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
