I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
