Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
