Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
