Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
My ATM looks so different sober.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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