he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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