The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Randomize
