I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
