I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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