does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Is that strawberry winking at me??
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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