I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
