I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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