I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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