this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
