Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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