Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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