hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
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