so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
