I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
