o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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