I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
