remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
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He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
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You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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