He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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