my phone needs a breathalizer
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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