I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
