Apparently you make a good broom.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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