I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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