I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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