i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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