He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
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