Plan B is the new Plan A
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
