A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
