I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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