Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
