So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
