Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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