I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
