Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
