I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
