A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
