What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Randomize
