does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
