It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
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