No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i will never coherently bang her
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
