Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
