I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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