At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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