she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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