So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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