someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
